(Or, "How to Get Green Names", by Bovinity.)
So you wants to be Cow Tank? I tell you in few easy steps.
- Be Warrior. This obvious, but many people miss. Many Paladin accidently hit button other than Holy when making spec and not be able to heal anymore, so think tanking good idea but they dumb. Bears not tank either, bears provide asses for Warriors to turn in for quest. Not be bear if want to be Cow Tank.
- Get Armors. This important. Not want to be this guy:
He cow, but not tank. Also possible to do it wrong other way:
This tank, but not cow. Important to know difference. Raid leader probably not know, that why he in shitty middle management position. Need to know for him.
- Has Weapon. This were bear gets confused again, try to tank without weapon. Cow Tank need weapon, but also shield. Not try to be Dork Knight and tank with no shield. Also not get confused with Paladin. Paladin also use shield and look like Cow Tank, but you can tell difference by looking for Awesomeality. Cow Tank has, Paladin not. Easy to see if know what looking for.
- Not Use Magics. Very important, magic make you into Girly Cow, and then you only good for healing. Paladin and Derp Knight use many magic, and look what happen to them: They not Cow Tanks. This worst fate, so not use magic. This relate to next point:
- Enchants Bad. Enchant make weapon have foo-foo glowy magic on it. Foo-foo glowy magic for Paladin and Derp Knight, not Cow Tank. Same go for armors, not want to wear foo-foo magic armors, and not want to be bear who not wear armor, so no foo-foo magic on armor. Gems too, they sparkly and girly and girly stuff is for healers. Not be healer.
- Make Many Friend. Just kidding, not do this. Cow Tank is strong leader, strong leader not have friend, only followers. Friends for people trying to suck up to crappy middle management raid leader, you not want be those people.
- Be Master. That right, you want to be Master of Cow Tanking. Not Dodge of Cow Tanking or Spirit of Cow Tanking (but that might be cool). So you use master stats. Make sure all items have master, pay no attention to item level. Item level only for raid leader to count up like greedy moneylender, not matter at all.
- Attack All the Things. Best tank can tank more than worst tank, and Cow Tank is best tank. Not be Derp Knight that pull one mob at time, that not Cow Tank way. Not listen to healer complain that too hard either, they never learn if you not teach.
Now maybe you cow tank. Maybe not. Hard road to walk, not many make to end. You maybe not good enough, end up being Bear or healer. That ok, mom still be proud of you. Maybe. Could also not.