lol, if only some of it were real.
At the Mists of Pandaria press event a couple weeks ago, I was given the special opportunity to sit down with several members of the World of Warcraft development team to get an exclusive inside look at one of the first major features planned to be introduced after the expansion launches. After an incredibly long wait, I've finally gotten permission to post this preview of an upcoming feature that I'm honestly pretty stoked about. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: Raider Battles.
"The idea came to us while we were working on the new Pet Battle system," Tom Chilton began the presentation. "We've got this awesome new system that finally lets your companions get out into the world and actually do something, and that's great for them, but what about the players themselves? This was around the same time we were discussing ways to implement extra content for raiders outside of raid time. So we decided, hey, why not solve both problems at once?"
Here's how it works: Once the feature is released (currently slated for patch 5.1), the system will automatically and intelligently categorize every member of your guild with raiding experience into one of several classes. Each raider will also be given several stats, including Knowledge, Gear, Awareness, and Morale, as well as a general Health pool, and up to six abilities unique to their given class. These classes are:
Raiders who are typically late, and occasionally absent, without any indication ahead of time will be automatically flagged for the "AWOL" class. AWOL raiders have no major advantages or disadvantages, although a team with an AWOL raider will always pass on their first turn.
Backseat Raid Leader
- Ninja AFK: The AWOL is a generally capable Raider, but is prone to making unannounced disappearances, even during a battle. Deals 30 damage to the opposing team's Raider immediately, but you may not take any actions for the next 1-3 turns until the AWOL returns to his computer.
- Mom's Birthday: The ultimate excuse. There's no way the AWOL can raid tonight, and how can you blame them? It's their Mother's birthday! Instantly deals 100 damage to the opponent's active Raider. Strangely enough, although there is a cooldown on this ability, it's much shorter than you'd expect...
Raiders with a history of performing extensive research on encounters, strategies, and class mechanics, and demanding that your other Raiders do the same, will be automatically flagged for the "Backseat Raid Leader" class. Backseat Raid Leaders bring a passive +1 to both the Effectiveness and Gear scores of all other active Raiders, but at the cost of a -2 penalty to Morale.
- Audit Armory: The Backseat Raid Leader makes a thorough search of the gear and talent specs of the opponent's active raiders, and berates them for any incorrect choices. Immediately deals 5 damage and lowers the Gear scores of the opposing team's Raiders by 2, regardless of whether or not the Backseat Raid Leader was actually correct.
- Master Strategist: The Backseat Raid Leader knows every strategy for every encounter better than everyone else, even if he's never seen the fight, and is happy to (smugly) share that information. Causes a state of confusion among the enemy team's Raiders, dealing 10 damage and forcing them to lose their next turn.
Raiders who have a long and storied history of accomplishments in Player-versus-Player combat but will occasionally show up for a raid night will be automatically flagged for the "Slumming PvPer" class. PvPers typically have lower Gear scores than the other classes, which is offset by a 30% reduction in all damage taken. (Note: The 30% damage reduction is not active during Raider Battles).
- Spin to Win: The Slumming PvPer runs circles around the opposing team's Raider in an attempt to avoid incoming attacks. The PvPer's damage is reduced by 10% until this ability is disabled, but the opponent Raider's resulting dizziness causes them to take 15 damage per turn and suffer a 20% chance for their attacks to miss.
- PTSD: Years of PvP experience have honed a sharp instinct to immediately use defensive abilities whenever the Slumming PvPer comes under attack. Any damage taken greater than 50% of the Raider's current health pool is reduced by half, but there is a 20% chance every time this ability activates for the Raider to immediately hide behind the nearest pillar.
Raiders who aren't part of your core team, are rarely online, and you never see grouped with other Raiders will be automatically flagged for the "Ultracasual" class. You're not sure if they even play the game -- in fact, you're not sure how they qualified for Raider Battles to begin with -- but you do know that a hefty donation of Gold and/or Flasks makes its way into the guild bank every week. Ultracasuals can never be brought into battle (and thus, have no abilities), but they do bring a passive +5 bonus to your other Raiders' Gear and Effectiveness scores.
Raiders who show up for each raid, but consistently ask if they can play one of their many alternate characters or specs, will be automatically flagged for the "Altaholic" class. Altaholics will occasionally change to another, randomly-chosen class, but at a -3 penalty to all stats.
- Double Gather: The Altaholic's current main is actually his old farming alt, and as much as you'd like him to, he refuses to give up Mining and Herbalism as his active tradeskills. This ability has absolutely no effect when used, but at least you're set on Heartblossom.
- 825 Riding Skill: Not only does the Altaholic have epic flying on every character, he's actually purchased every Riding upgrade for the next three expansions. Unfortunately, this means he has no gold left over to pay for repairs. Deals 20 damage, but immediately sets the Altaholic's Gear score to 0.
Raiders with lots of endgame experience and excellent gear, but have been in multiple guilds in the current tier alone and have only recently joined your guild will be automatically flagged for the "Guildhopper" class. All of a Guildhopper's stats will automatically scale to be slightly higher than all of your other Raiders, but there is a 10% chance every turn that they will suddenly switch to the opposing player's team.
- Deep Pockets: The Guildhopper has a suspiciously large stash of gold, consumables, epic gems, and enchanting materials, and is willing to share them with your other Raiders. Increases all Raiders' Gear scores by 2 for the next 5 turns, but if the Guildhopper chooses to switch teams while this ability is active, you will suffer a -4 Gear penalty for the remainder of the battle.
- You Had To Be There: Having been in many guilds, the Guildhopper has been exposed to many inside jokes, some of which were rather funny at the time. Unfortunately, no one else seems to understand them. Confuses all other Raiders, including the opposing team, for the next 3 turns, causing them to take 5 damage and suffer a 10% reduction in damage dealt.
Raiders who are ready and available every raid night, but have a tendency to be distracted when something else grabs their attention (such as a TV show or loud music) will be automatically flagged for the "Multitasker" class. Multitaskers are completely average in every way, with the exception that they may randomly skip their turn.
Possible Gold Farmer
- Here Comes The Drop: Whatever you just told him to do got drowned in a sea of WUBWUBWUBs. The Multitasker will randomly use any available Raider ability -- including those from other classes.
- Sunglasses: Everything else can wait. CSI:Miami just started, and the Multitasker needs to hear what David Caruso has to say about that dead body. Once this ability has been activated, any damage dealt will be stored up and applied all at once after 4 turns have passed.
Raiders who were invited on a whim, communicate solely through small words such as "yes" and "ok", and spend an inordinate amount of time in Azshara will be automatically flagged for the "Possible Gold Farmer" class. Possible Gold Farmers typically have much lower stats than other Raiders, but have highly disruptive abilities.
- Open Trade: The Possible Gold Farmer opens a trade window with the opposing team's Raider and starts linking rare-quality items and/or lockboxes. The distraction causes the opposing team's Raider to lose focus, taking 10 damage and skipping their next turn.
- Ni Hao: Whenever the opposing team's Raider takes an action, there is a 10% chance for the Possible Gold Farmer to suddenly respond in a flurry of whispers, linking the entire contents of his or her inventory interspersed with some random text that you're not even sure is an actual language. The sudden influx of information actually crashes the opposing team's Raider's computer, removing him from the fight for the next 4 turns while he reboots and forcing the opposing Raid Leader to send out a different Raider.
An extremely rare form of Raider, if your Guild Master has a significant other, they will automatically be flagged for the "GM's SO" class. The GM'S SO will always be a member of your team, and will always be your first active Raider, regardless of how good or bad his or her stats actually are.
Loud 12-Year Old
- Gentle Coaxing: You attempt to convince the GM's SO to try a little bit harder and perform a little bit better. If successful, his or her Awareness and Effectiveness stats will increase by 2 for the next 5 rounds. However, there is a 15% chance that he or she will pitch a fit, and forfeit the next 5 rounds instead. The stat bonus, and chance to fail, increases every time Gentle Coaxing is used.
- Next In Line: You solemnly swear that the GM's SO will receive the raid's next Legendary as soon as the current one is finished. The allure of orange pixels will keep him or her from pitching a fit for the next 5 rounds, but that number decreases every time Next In Line is used.
Male Raiders who have yet to undergo puberty, but have no issues speaking quite loudly in a high-pitched voice on Ventrilo, will be automatically flagged for the "Loud 12-Year Old" class. It's not that they're not dedicated, or even unskilled... they're just so loud. Loud 12-Year Olds perform adequately, but you have no control over which actions they take out of fear of having to actually communicate with them.
- Fight With Mom: The Loud 12-Year Old forgets that he has his push to talk activated and gets in a heated argument with his mother. Although your Raiders already have him muted and are unaffected, the increasingly high-pitched whining causes the opposing team's Raiders to take 5 damage per turn. The amount of damage dealt increases every turn that the Loud 12-Year Old continues to fight with his mother.
- Grounded: Your raid actually goes for 2 hours past the Loud 12-Year Old's bedtime, and occasionally his parents will catch him staying up late and ground him from the internet, though he'll still try to sneak on when he can. The Loud 12-Year Old will skip 1 turn on the first offense, adding a turn every time he is Grounded. Should the Loud 12-Year Old be Grounded 5 times in a single Battle, his parents will cancel his World of Warcraft subscription, causing him to leave the current battle immediately and be unavailable for future Raider Battles.
Much like the Pet Battle system, Raid Leaders can choose 3 Raiders for their Raider Battle team, and 3 abilities per Raider. In addition, the development team mentioned that they were considering allowing Raid Leaders to participate in ranked Raider Battle matches. When asked if they would attempt to keep the Raid Leader rankings "fun and lighthearted" like the random Pet Battle queues, the team declined to comment, although they did seem to be mostly in agreement when I suggested that if Raid Leaders wanted to have fun, they probably wouldn't be Raid Leaders to begin with.
Greg Street closed out the presentation by saying, "We're really excited about this system. We think it's really going to open up some new avenues of gameplay for our most dedicated players, which should help ease some of the uproar over the LFR system introduced in Patch 4.3. Hopefully, Raid Leaders will find the Raider Battle system to be a fun way to blow off steam after a long night of calling wipes and handling loot disputes."
"And after all, aren't your Raiders usually about as useful as non-combat pets anyway?"
lol, if only some of it were real.
It's all too real; that's what makes it frightening.
Sic nos rodunt omnes gentes
Et sic erimus egentes
Qui nos rodunt confundantur
Et cum iustis non scribantur
Truer words have never been spoken[...]They did seem to be mostly in agreement when I suggested that if Raid Leaders wanted to have fun, they probably wouldn't be Raid Leaders to begin with.
This was awesome. Way better than WoW boring tamagochi joke.
This are the best parts:
Mom's Birthday: Strangely enough, although there is a cooldown on this ability, it's much shorter than you'd expect...Backseat Raid LeaderPTSD:there is a 20% chance every time this ability activates for the Raider to immediately hide behind the nearest pillar.Guildhopper: there is a 10% chance every turn that they will suddenly switch to the opposing player's team.Thats a huge wall of text but well worth reading. Amazing job who ever wrote it. Great Job!Ni Hao: The sudden influx of information actually crashes the opposing team's Raider's computer, removing him from the fight for the next 4 turns
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha April foooools
My personal policy of not reading anything on april fools always pays off.
[Today 06:48 PM] Ion:swimming in a natural body of water ISN'T acceptable...it's momentarily tolerable
Also my entire guild would be back seat raid leaders :$
[Today 06:48 PM] Ion:swimming in a natural body of water ISN'T acceptable...it's momentarily tolerable
..... This crazy holiday... I feel left out
Best post ever!!!
Lore you always make for great entertainment and this was by no means any exception this was well worth the read it will definitely be the highlight of today and thanks for the laughs and giggles man keep up the great work.
I don't know what I would qualify as but I would love to see peoples reactions to those notes when they came up. I still am not sure if it would lead to a drop or a spike in subscriptions though >.>
I didn't believe it for a Second.
What, no Elitist category?!
I think this pretty much sums up what I expect...
You forgot about the 'most important player', and their 'holiday' ability with a very short cooldown.
Arms DPS main spec // Prot warrior tank off-spec
I laughed until my sides hurt...
Then I died a little on the inside when I realized that describes my guild and raid team to a "t".