Contradiction

I find my thought processes are often contradictory, or hypocritical, I'm not sure which, or if they're the same thing. I'm always thinking one thing or pursueing something and then when I'm just in reach of it I'll decide that, no, I didn't really want that after all. Perhaps I should be less open-minded, I don't know, maybe then I could form some strong opinions on things, something that would cement something in my brain that I could build upon. As it is I let whimsy rule me, I just do as pleases me, but then that isin't entirely accurate either. I don't do what pleases me, I go to the path of least resistance. Why is that I wonder? The most obvious answer would be the most likely, that I don't want to challenge myself, I don't want the risk of failure. As so many comedy programs say, "Well you tried and failed, so the lesson is, never try". Never trying is so easy, it's so very very easy to never take a risk, and never fail, but never succeed to any great degree.

Weird how you convince yourself that it isin't that you don't want to try though. I can recall firmly a few occasions where I convinced myself that it wasn't what I wanted, what I needed, and then proceeded to fuck it up. Of course, later on I would think back and realise what an enormous twat I was, and that I was being very silly indeed. Fear is at the core of my being, I'm afraid of failure, afraid of what people think, afraid of what I think, afraid that people will find out what I think. Funny enough I'm not really afraid of anything physical happening to me, such as being started upon, or anything like that. It's all in my head. Oh there was another contradiction there so maybe I should clarify, I don't mind sharing some things, otherwise this blog wouldn't exist, but I don't like the idea of people getting to know my inner though processes, though it would make things a hell of a lot easier. If people knew my motives and why I think the weird way I do, maybe that would help them understand why I do what I do. In a way that's probably what this is for, to get people to know what I think so they know there is some method to my madness, there are motives behind what I do.

In a lot of ways I try to look at life like a joke, trying to find something funny about everything, or at least find the humor in things. So many people can't laugh at themselves very well, if they can't then they won't get along too fantastically with me, as I tend to be so used to laughing at everything, myself included, that I don't realise people will take offense, or read deeply into what I joke about. I generally joke mindlessly, I don't usually dislike you if I make fun of you, I just like laughing at things. I especially like pointing out awkward things or what have you, because I figure it's usually only awkward because people try to ignore it. If someone is willing to look at it, laugh at it in good humor, I think it lessens the, for lack of a better word, awkwardness.

I didn't reallty convey well what I meant there, but it's a good enough outline.

Has to be a balance between body and mind, that's something I like to believe. Hell, I believe you've got to be well-rounded everywhere, that's why I always choose the character that can do everything in games and such. Someone who develops themselves as a whole, as opposed to in parts. I think it's good to have a strong body and an agile mind. I mean, if I put it to you this way, which would you rather be, really smart, but your body would be weak/fat or what have you, out of condition, or have a great body, but be none too bright, or, say, not have as much mental agility as the average guy. Or would you rather be strong in body, fit, not overly so, and strong in mind, I think it would give you more confidence in a myriad of different areas.

Once again, not too sure I got my point across well there, but fuck revising it, I'll just say that I didn't think it was up to scratch because that's quite a bit easier.

Ruts, beware of ruts, they ruin life, I'm stuck in one now. I do jack shit, and my life, to me anyway, is quite boring. Gotta get some momentum going and get out of the funk I'm in. I think life would be more bright and cheerful with more variety.