New Life in Wow Pt 1

This will probably be an ongoing evolution and a little scattered and more than likely, I will stomp on a few nerves here and there. Apologies in advance.

So...if you have read my blogs (you poor, poor bastards who endure it) you know me. I was a staple in my old guild, a raid leader, officer and main tank pre BC. We were a huge casual guild but we had aspirations of hardcore raiding personified by a raid group that was called 'SURGE' (S.chedlued R.aid G.roup)

Those were the best times I've had in Wow and on a limited schedule we did pretty well. We had BWL to a 2.5 hour clear, had ditched MC and were reveling in our first kill on Huhu when BC was released. Not fantastic but not bad and we had fun.

One issue with me was that I have a sometimes selfish view of myself and consider myself to be a great player. I come to places like Tankspot and hear tales of tanking Illidan and Brutallus or the at the time equivalent and want a piece of the action. Its not a direct connection as that. I always strove to push my friends into that direction but my ego was left gasping for air, thirsting for the next big thing while we tried to keep a roster full, keep a schedule, and improve performance.

I was full of myself and I split town. Indeed, there were many other factors involved but it really all boiled down to that.

Well, having traversed a number of servers, I'm on my third tour of duty on Lothar. I've made some good friends along the way and seen a few different ways of doing things but never found what I was looking for.

I am reminded of this: "The constant in all your failed relationships is you" and it seems to fit. I've never been gkicked and in fact, my exit has been lamented everywhere I have been. I used to impugn people who bailed on thier friends and yet, here I am the original nomad, vagabond, carpetbagger, etc. Except....I never bit the bullet and went full on hardcore. I've been places where they tried and where people acted as if this next boss pull was life/death but never have I actually seen it.

I left my last guild ostensibly to play AoC and that's true. I was sick of raiding. I had some great friends there that I really liked but only a small handful. I didn't fit in to the wider guild culture and did not see eye to eye with some long standing entrenched personalities within the guild. It hurt because I had alot of respect and admiration for a few people but the idea of logging on and only looking to play with 3-4 people unless we were raiding and I could just do my job and go with the flow gnawed at me.

So. Onward to AoC and day by day I grow more disillusioned with it. I'm still clinging to the hope that Funcom will turn it around but fundamentally I question whether or not the game is for me. I would have quit long ago if not for the great guild I got into but in the wider community....ugg, its horrific, filled with asshattery and foolishness that makes the most obnoxious IF-Trade chat seem tame.

So, I retired to Lothar, intending to park my characters there among my old school pals and play AoC but as my interest in AoC has waned, my desire to log into Wow has increased.

I'm not bound to anything and in fact, my 2 main toons are unguilded still. I have my support toons in a friend's alt/bank guild and Pen and I have set up our own bank guild.

But...I was sick of raiding and while I want to just log in and play, gear up alts and what not, I've found myself in a few raids the past week tackling content that I was sick of a month and a half ago....and having fun. Wiping 6 times on Leo and laughing about it.

I may have lost my edge a little but not all that much. I still have that hunger to succeed and conquer content but its subordinated to my desire to spend time with my friends.

And something else has happened along the way...my wife has been playing Wow again. Not much, but some. And enjoying it.

I'm not worried about Black Temple, pushing through Hyjal, seeing Sunwell. I want to get rep on my mage and score some arena points at a 1525 rating because I suck at PvP. I want to collect badges and sit in vent with my friends laughing my ass off. I like hearing references to 2 year old jokes in the middle of a raid. (WTF?!? Why did all our druids just suicide into Nef?!? Moonkin's treants? oh...nvmnd)

I do feel bad about some things. While I was out "finding myself" I made alot of friends who's lives I wove into and back out of. I joined guilds and didn't just exist in, but became somewhat important in. I was an officer in one and the MT for another. Those friends deserve better than I can offer them but the only recourse is to turn back time and never leave my first guild in the first place.

I feel worst for my "once and future" guild and the people I've skipped out on twice before. Most of them outwardly embrace me but there is some veiled resentment. A small few harbor well deserved angst toward me for breaking my ties and heading out of town. Here I am again but for how long this time? Frankly, I cannot say. I am still recovering and rebuilding bridges once burned.

For now, it is enough to log in and have many of my friends close at hand. In a perfect world, I'd have a guild with my friends from all over and unlimited time to raid hard and enjoy success but in truth, that's just my perfect world, a self-serving, myopic point of view based upon my own delusions of self importance and foolishness. In a way, I have come to grips with the idea that I am not the Wow Messiah and recognize the foolishness of my past comings and goings.

Screw it. I just want to play and spend my gaming time having fun. That will likely include Wow and raiding in Wow in the future. One thing rings true and I think about constantly. A close friend of mine told me point blank that he enjoys playing with me, we are good friends and he appreciates my skill as a player and a raid leader but he doesn't trust me anymore because of what I've done. That's fair. I hope that changes someday.

Someone remarked to me that I was the "new H" and kinda happy go lucky, having a good time type. I corrected them....I am the "old H" back to what I used to be before my ego took off and I became a prick in so many ways. I just hope I can stay that way.