How to PuG:

Let me preface to say this is a satire. If you actually believe this, or do not know what satire means, don't comment. I may not delete it to save you face while everyone laughs at you.

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Everybody knows PuGging is the fastest way to become popular in WoW. I mean, raiding guilds get famous based on the guild name, but who's the best? There's 25 them that need to work together. But you're better then everyone else, and you're the best, so let's climb up to the top of the ladder and step on anyone who stops you!

Step 1: Preparation.

It's important to prepare a little bit. I mean, you have to make a character, and because blizzard is dumb, they only let a level 80 in the instance. So you have to level something. So let's get started:

- Level a death knight. Sure you can level other classes, but that's a waste of time. Learning the abilities is also a waste of time. In addition, you probably shouldn't party with people or do instances. Again, you'd have to share the credit, and you already know how to do what you do, why should you need practice? The greats never needed to practice anyways. They were just...better. So get to levelling with a death knight - you fart, monsters die, you level. Grats, you're 80 now.

- While levelling, pick up whatever you get and wear it. Greens, greys, who cares. Besides, you can get really famous quickly if you're the best raider in a dress. Remember, colour co-ordination is important, it's gotta have the right look so if you don't find anything you like, maybe a vendor might have something better instead.

- Also start to think about guilds. No, not joining one, because then you'd have to share credit with the dumb shmucks. No, what you need to do is start your own. Then con people standing around a major city to sign it for free. Don't even bother with gold. Why should they have any of your hard earned cash.

- When deciding a name, make sure it uses something calld "LEET" or "1337" speak. This will show that you are not only awsome, but you understand. Mispelling adds flavour to a dull name. If it's a joke, make sure it's one only you get.

Now you should be just turning 80, have a guild, and you're ready to go. Don't even bother with dungeons, or heroics, they're just a waste of time. Also, no need to bother improving your gear because you got this far on skill. Now you move on to step 2.

Step 2: Joining a PuG

- First thing you want to do, is find some code that lets you link achievements as if you earned them. This is important to learn how to do, because most of those dumb shmoes don't know that you can do it. See, you're already better then them.

- Next you want to find the top rated raid that's running. If nobody is running anything, you can solve this problem in the same way. What you'll want to do is broadcast in every channel available that you are looking for that raid. Even if someone else is forming a raid, you shouldn't have to send them a tell, they should invite you because your name carries it's own weight. You mean business.

- When they ask for an achievement, use that trick earlier. If they ask about something called a 'Gear score' tell them "you were having fun with a guildie last night by showing off your 1337 threads." After all, since ou're the only member, you don't want to appear narcissistic.

3. The first pug:

- This one is important, when you join the group. Make sure to ask for a summon repeatedly until they summon you. At which case, make it a point to notice every buff you don't have and ask till you get it. After all, you can't let these people slack when they have a job to do.

- When they start to clear trash, go afk. Maybe make a drink, pound back some powerthirst, or do a couple lines of blow, whatever kills the time. You don't have time to deal with trash. You're here for the bosses.

- Now when they get to a boss, make sure you announce that you are back, and you are ready. But when a box comes up, don't answer it. That's because you already said you were ready and shouldn't waste your time clicking a button.

- Now, when they pull the boss, it is crutial that you die. Right away. Stand in fire, taunt the boss, whatever you can to die. It sounds counterintuitive, but hear me out. Now that you're dead, you don't have to waste your time and effort actually killing the boss. I know, right? It's almost too good to be true. If you want to challange yourself by surviving the encounter, wait until later.

- Ok, so the boss is either dead, or it's not, in which case you should be blaming everyone in the raid for being too stupid to kill a boss until it is dead. Right away, don't wait for anyone else, crack it open and see what's inside. Take note of anything you could possibly use then roll on it. You don't have to wear it, but you deserve it because you're wasting your time to be there.

So now, you got your first PuG over with, and you now have the legit achievement. It's time to move to step 4.

Step 4: Becomming a master PuGer

- After you've gone to a raid or two, you should start to concern yourself with this thing called a Gearscore. It's an arbitrary number that says how awsome your character is. So obviously, whenever you ask for someone's gearscore, make sure to point out that yours is better. However, there might be a nagging thought in your brain about how to make yours better...well here's how!

- Start getting things called 'enchants' put on your gear. Doesn't matter what they are, your goal is just to make the text of what you are wearing longer. The longer the text, the more special the item. Especially enchants with cool names like "Gatherer" so you can call yourself a "gatherer of souls"

- You'll also start to lead your own groups, and people will follow you. It's sortof the same as joining a PuG (you advertise in every channel, in every line, to make sure everyone sees it even when they just logged in.) Except you have to do this little thing called 'inviting'

- Thankfully, there's a tool in game to save you that trouble: In the looking-for-group interface, see who is looking for the same raid you are running, and invite them. Problem solved. If people are whining that you don't have enough, just start inviting people you see randomly.

- Once you're done that. Tell everyone to go, then ask for a summon and it's exactly the same as joining a PuG. One thing that makes leading better, is you can set yourself to master looter and forgo all the trouble of rolling and just take the items for yourself. After all, to the victor goes the spoils, right?

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(work in progress. I'm just kinda storyboarding ideas. I know it's not really humourous right now as it's mostly my angsty pug dealings. I'm willing to take humourous tips and input in comments to improve this, but right now I have to get back to work!)