View Full Version : Captain Planet is an ineffective superhero

02-09-2009, 03:27 AM
So yeah, Captain Planet has some major strikes against him. He's actually really lucky that his worst villains were a bunch of lumberjacks and litterbugs or he'd be in serious trouble. We'll start with his band of misfits that follow him around, well actually they have to summon him which is the first problem.

The Planeteers, or Junior EPA, are comprised of 5 teenagers from completely different parts of the world. It was really fortunate that all of them spoke the exact same language perfectly when they got summoned. Now the problem here is that the planeteers don't really seem to have a home anymore. Gaea did a pretty good job of plucking them up from their homes and planting them somewhere else. If they aren't all together the Cap'n can't happen. If one of them is in their homeless shelter sleeping off a hangover they won't get the memo that the captain is being summoned and the world is screwed. It's amazing anything ever got done anyway. The heart dude was just about useless the entire time, and between Wheeler trying to bang Linka and Gi never really being near a good source of water to use her powers we basically had to rely on Kwame to do anything. That's a real shame because all he was good at doing was making earthquakes, which aren't good for matters usually. Something happens at the end of every show and they summon Captain Planet to take on their lumber jacking enemies. Here's the real problem with Captain Planet though: His main weakness is exactly what he's fighting against. Someone throws sludge on him, or like one of those 6 pack soda ring thingys and he freaking chokes to death because pollution kills him. That's REALLY bad for a super hero. I mean, can you imagine if Superman were deathly allergic to CRIME? His career would be pretty well shot to hell. So yeah, one of the baddies starts his car and the exhaust gets in the Captains eyes and he can't see and has to go recuperate in his mood rings for a while. All the Planeteers are like "damn, we needed him. who knew there'd be pollution in a place like this toxic waste dump?" and Wheeler would try to get with Linka again. This happened like every episode! The best part is that Gaea is the one making them do this, and I can't even figure out why she even likes the humans. She could go all "protector of nature" and wipe humans from the face of the Earth and everything would go back to normal. Also, Captain Planet's catchphrase is "The Power is Yours" and then he explodes into a Pink Floyd light show and climbs into his mood rings for a nap. Discuss.

02-09-2009, 03:32 AM
this is amazing, i thank you good sir.

02-09-2009, 11:27 AM
my god you rule. lol

02-09-2009, 11:38 AM

02-09-2009, 01:34 PM


02-12-2009, 09:37 AM
Plus there's an obvious and disturbing lack of legs.

02-16-2009, 04:44 PM
Wow. I think my mind was just blown.